Freaks

Freaks are fucking well funny and deserved to be laughed at. Take a look at this lot for what I mean:

Oh my fucking word it is a short person belly dancing...now that's downright sickening!

This man is so fucking hairy I am surprised he isn't being pelted with tranquilizer darts! Also it kind of looks like he has glued on some of Tom Jones' fucking shavings!

This guy maybe tall but he looks like a sack of shit and if that's his bitch, I hope he gets a lot of blow because she is at perfect dick sucking height!

Argghhh look at this fucking ugly motherfucker! Is his mouth fucking upside down or something?

Nevermind this bitch's ridicolous expression - check her fucking arms out! Doesn't the dirty slag know what a razor is? At least I think it's a bitch?

Boo yaaah!

Beached Whales

Quick call the RSPCA or something! There is a large beached whale...



Kill it and feed a fucking third world country!

Boo yaaah!

US Visa Waiver Form

Yes No C Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terroist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved; in any way in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies ? I think a third option is needed for this question: 'Of course I am but why the fuck am I going to tell you?' This is like the Scooby Doo of questions - I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that pesky question - and if anyone ever answers 'Yes' then I will eat my own fucking dick! Boo yaaah!

Necrophilia

Some would say necrophilia is wrong! Others would say its sick! I would say 'but oh my God its soooooooo fucking tight!' Boo yaaah!

Grannies

'Kissey kissey'

Arggggghhhhhhhh






Boo yaaah!

Drunken Louts

Last night when driving home some drunken louts forced me to veer my car to avoid them as they staggered into the road. I did of course consider just ploughing straight into the fucking pricks but sadly I would not have had the time to scrape their worthless carcasses off my windscreen, so I had to avoid them. Shame really as I think their faces would have looked quite good smashed up in a fucking bloody pulp! Boo yaaah!

Diarrhea Adverts

Whenever an advert for diarrhea comes on the goggle box I find myself cringing from all the bullshit, as I watch some gorgeous babe on her way to work or some shit suddenly stops and gentle pats her tummy! Aww...and then the voiceover says 'she had a choice of suffering with diarrhea or taking whatever drug they are promoting'. What a fucking pile of unrealistic twaddle! What the voiceover really wanted to say was 'this bitch has just shat herself and now the trickle of shit is running down her leg. If only the dumb-arse bitch had taken blah blah...'

I mean come on advertisers do you think no one knows what it is really like to have the squits? I can tell you most of us rarely get off the bog let alone make it out the fucking door. And why the fuck would we want to anyway - we have the squits for fucksakes! We are not going anywhere outside of a 10m radius from the bog. I can only guess that the bitch in the ads either loves the sensation of hot shit dripping through her knickers and down her leg, or she is a fucking nutter who decided to chance it despite spending all morning coating her bog in the brown, stinky spray.

The adverts are therefore only really aimed at fucking idiots or weird sickos. Either way its a million miles away from the reality of the squits and what I propose is the following far more realistic ad: a man on the bog, pants around ankles, sweating profusely with a look of fear in his eyes. Every so often we hear gurgling and splatter as flecks of loose shit peppers the toilet bowl - a sound anyone who has had the squits will be familiar with. He screams out as if he will shortly die if nothing is done, he legs spasm with each load deposited. Eventually a woman enters the bog room and hands him some tablet and a glass of water. He takes it and then we cut to 3 hours later, and find him relaxing in his garden. The voiceover then says 'when you have the squits take this stuff to stop your shits!' Spot on! Boo yaaah

Kids Chasing Birds

Aww kids love to chase birds! Just once though I would love to see one of those birds fight back and peck the fucking eyes out of one of the little annoying brats. Now that would be fucking funny! Boo yaaah!

Handlebar Mustaches

Look at this man as he represents everything that is wrong with handlebar mustaches. Not only that he is fucking ginger and neckless! Enough said! Boo yaaah!

Blind Dates

Advert:

I am a gorgeous blonde with long legs and a 38DD bust. I love to watch football, go out for drinks and read. I am well travelled and enjoy new adventures. I have a very healthy sexual appetite and love to experiment in the bedroom. I am looking for casual sexual affair with a likeminded hunky male.

Reality:

She is a skinny, short-arsed bitch, tit-less and with a face so ugly that it comes with a fucking health warning. And this is the first time she has been allowed out on her own after the accident! The bloke who has shown up is not much better and is more of a fucking chunky than a hunky. Pass me the sick bucket as skinny and fatty start slapping the cow meat!

The morale of the story: Anyone who wants to arrange a blind date is fucking butt ugly! Boo yaaah!

Nerks

What the hell are 'nerks' I hear you cry? Well this is my word for an urber nerd! Basically an individual who is so fucking anal retentive that if offered a choice between sex with some hot fucking blonde bitch or a night of watching open university re-runs, he would chose neither as he is far too busy washing the cum stains out of his socks.

And yes nerks are invariable blokes as no matter how fucking ugly an intelligent woman may be there will always be some bloke willing to stick his piece of pork into her crusty hole. We are that fucking desperate for a shag we would fuck a corpse if it wasnt for the maggots tickling our balls!

I say a big fucking no to nerks! These people need to be told that life without actually using your dick for intended purpose, as oppose to a fucking Atari joystick, is a life that should be ended with a bullet to the head. Harsh I know but something we have all felt after having to sit through an episode of star-fucking-trek or after listening to one of them tell you about their pointless shitty marble collection. Shut the fuck up nerk and go back to arranging your y-fronts in visibility of shit stains!

Boo yaaah!

Charity Shops

There can't be many worse places to wander into than a charity shop! These run-down, decrepit hovels sell the most worthless shit on this planet to try to raise money for pitiful causes such as ‘the national woolly cardigans fund’. I believe shops such as these actually contribute to the national suicide rate because I swear whenever I am dragged into one of these miserable cesspits I have an overwhelming urge to slit my fucking wrists.

Let’s all take a moment to picture the following scene - you are standing outside an unfamiliar shop, splattered over the shop’s window are various photos of depressing baby faces, below, arranged in a sporadic display, is what can only be described as the crap you’ve probably thrown out over the last 10 years. The alarm bells are ringing but for some strange reason you know you must see more and venture inside. The first thing that hits you is the musky smell of granny’s piss-ridden underwear! At first you wonder if the toothless old hag has been following you but then, like a fucking sledgehammer in your face, you realize you are surrounded by row upon row of the most tasteless articles of clothing you have ever faced. The smell appears to be emanating from them and out of stupid curiosity – you’re not actually old enough to consider buying anything yet - you pull one of them off the rack for a closer inspection! A few fleas leap for their freedom as you draw the reeking garment closer to your nose. ‘Woah fuck-me it smells like deadman’s y-fronts! Did some old cunt peg it in this?’ you scream whilst slinging the garment as far across the shop from you as possible – it actually hits a small child in the face and a week later that child dies from the fumes. All the elderly shoppers turn and look at you - which is pretty much everyone else in the shop. A small old craggy voice suddenly emerges from somewhere out-of-sight ‘mmmm deadman’s y-front!’

Anyway I think you get the picture! Charity shops are shit-holes and the only people that shop there are those that have had their sense of colour-coordination and dignity fucking fried either through piling on the years or by being born a fucking mong. The clothes were out of fashion in the eighties, the nik-naks are all fucking hideous and the videos, CDs, jig-saws, and all the other shit, are so fucking out-of-date they have practically turned to dust. Yes most of the proceeds may go to charity but ask yourself this – how much of your hard earned cash do you want to exchange for this shit just so some fucking tree-loving hippy can save a few tubby brown babies! The answer is zero motherfucker! Boo yaaah!

Mobile Phones

Beep beep arghhhhhhhh! Whether you think mobile phones are a curse or a blessing, there is one thing that no one can deny – you look like a total wanker whilst using one. Especially hands-free fucking Bluetooth! I mean we’ve all seen the suit walking down the high street blabbering to himself like some raving loony but before you can shout ‘oi squidgy head’ you realise he has a large plastic slug propped on his ear and he is in fact speaking to that. What’s the point though? The stuck-up arsehole has both hands free so why the fuck cannot he just use his mobile phone like everyone else? I’ll tell you why! It’s because he’s a fucking loser who thinks that being seen to use blue-tooth will somehow compensate for his small penis and John Major personality. Well I have news for you buster - everyone thinks you are 5ft cock who’s screaming about non-existent shares to thin air!

Blue-tooth, however, as stupid as it may be, is not the thing I find most annoying about mobiles. Personally nothing grates on me as much as the high-pitched beep – or whatever immature notification sound you have chosen – of a text message. Please can someone tell me what the point of text messages are? As far as I can tell they have only two uses and that is first to harass people you think are your friends and second to say something you are too weak to say in person. I know that lovers may text each other soppy text notes but this can hardly be described as a use. Anyway whichever king-size dickhead invented the text message needs lynching for they are ultimately to blame for the countless beeps that have interrupted you with the most banal and pointless message when you're taking a dump, banging your missues or otherwise engaged in the activities of life. And once you have been interrupted you have no choice but to respond, and it takes you roughly 10 minutes just to say 'Nuthin much. How about u?'

And all this I haven’t even mentioned the chavs who have what sounds like two dogs shagging – or something equally fucking stupid - as their ringtone, the terrible video games that have to be played using the smallest keypad ever, and the fact they are slowly frying your fucking brain with microwave radiation! Mobile phones have to rate as the biggest pile of shit we cannot seem to live without – despite managing fine before the little fuckers were on the scene – and the only electronic device, aside from that dirty fucking rabbit, that women seem to think their life depends upon. Jesus-fucking-Christ it’s just a phone – you’re not going to die without it! There is, however, nothing quite as funny as watching a woman paint her knickers brown because she’s left her baby phone at home. A great joke to play on women like this is to pretend you have actually got her phone and then laugh in her face when you hand her a fist full of fucking nothing! Boo yaaah!

Fat Old Men Who Think They Are Sexy

I am sick of seeing fat old men shaking their lard on the dance floor whilst rubbing themselves up against some hot bitch because they think they are sexy. Well fatso you are about as sexy as Jade Goody taking a shit in Shrek's mouth and you should not go out in public, let alone flirt with dirty, fuck-able sluts! You look as tempting as a rolled-up ball of Joan Collin's liposuction leftovers and any woman that sleeps with you would either have to be blind, dead or mentally-fucking-retarded!

And let’s be honest when did you last actually see your knob? I suspect it has been a while! And do you really think chunky that you can pump enough fucking blood to your shriveled dick to even cause it to flutter, let alone hard enough for stabbing pussy with. You would probably pass out with the effort! So exactly how you intend to actually fuck any desperate, sack-of-shit hos I don’t really know? Maybe you plan on tricking them into believing one of your many rolls of fat is actually your cock!

Face facts lard-arse you carry enough extra weight to sink ocean liners and to make matters worse your craggy, saggy old skin could double-up as fucking sandpaper. You are a nappy-wearing, sack of rotten potatoes and your dancing makes everyone watching feel like retching.

It's even more amusing when you open your cake chomping gob and start spouting out shit about how you have banged this bitch or don't think much of another. For fucksakes tubby have you taken a look in the mirror lately? The only bitches you have banged are the ones you accidentally sat on, swallowing them whole into your wrinkly, shit-stained arse crack - I suppose that could be a form of sex for you! Especially when you have to pull them out before they suffocate! And as for how these women rate you don't make me laugh blubber - the only thing they are thinking of when they see you wobble their way is where the fuck is the nearest harpoon.

Do yourself a favour, look in a mirror and face reality. You're no sex god! You're fat, old and disgusting! And you need wing mirrors to wipe your own arse! Stay away from the dance floors you John Prescot wannabe! Boo yaaah!

Noisy Neighbours

Let's face it no matter where you live at least one of your neighbours is going to be a fucking noisy twat and in general make your home life as much fun as a holiday to Amsterdam with your Grandma. Ordinarily I love to listen to a loved-up couple fuck each other’s brains out whilst stroking my love solider but come 3 a.m. in the fucking morning all I feel like doing is sticking a pitch-fork in the mother fuckers Jason style. Also it is pretty obvious from the sound of slapping meat that these are two ugly fuckers going at it like cows in a barnyard….moo mother-fucker moo!

I mean why on earth do they feel the need to fuck at the times the rest of us decent citizens are trying to sleep? I suspect they are only having sex to deliberately piss their neighbours of! Either that or one of them is a filthy immigrant who definitely wants it to be known that they are banging and not just together for a convenient green card. This would also explain why the dirty rampant beggars are so fucking vocal! Come on we all like to scream and grunt whilst we are fucking but these peasants are fooling no one with their lame, over-top ‘When Harry met Fucking Sally’ theatrics. If he is porking her then he is either hurting her with his rubber-glove adapted sheaf or he’s doing her down brown alleyway, which is probably the case as we all know immigrants like to come in the rear entrance!

Of course your noisy neighbours may not be shifty immigrants – though I doubt it - or they may play their music to loud as opposed to screwing at inappropriate times, but whatever the case one fact remains true: banging a broom handle against the ceiling or wall is fucking ridiculous and will have as much affect at shutting these ignorant towel-heads up as does the lard-arse immigration officer has of keeping these worthless, boot-polished faced layabouts out of country. What you really need to do involves a shovel, some plastic sheeting, an empty trunk and a double-barreled shotgun!

I know I have strayed a little here and one day I will dedicate a rant to these pesky rat-droppings of our society, but this one’s about noisy neighbours – and in particular ugly couples who make a racket splitting each other's salami cracks wide open whilst their disturbed neighbours try to block the squealing out. Neighbours like this are sick and should be prevented from fucking in case they produce baby skidmarks! If you hear such a couple fucking, stand-up and say no, and then go around and cut the fucker's knob off! Boo yaaah!

Geeks

Geeks make me sick and not because they are so fucking clever! No geeks make me sick because they smell of semen, wear brown cords and 'colourful' ties, drink their own piss, have enough spots to draw the Mona Lisa on their faces with and think they are cool despite having no idea what their dick is actually for. Well let me enlighten you piss-breath - a dick is an organ that's used for pounding hot bitches. It is not a joystick for your spectrum emulator!

More importantly though what the fuck is a 'Games Workshop'? Peering into their window you may mistake these 'shops' for a special place where the mentally retarded are allowed to paint little figurines. But inside these geek haven's pointless fucking battles are fought between these rivita-munching, binary-speaking losers and for the winner, the glory of being the biggest dickhead in the village awaits. Personally I believe the only place for an 8-sided die is up the arse of the fat one that even the geeks hate and want to eat!

Being a geek is worse than having no legs for at least Mr. Stumps doesn't have to make his friends out of paper mache. And no, having loads of 'virtual' friends does not count - this is basically another way of saying I want to live in the world of Tron. I mean if you are going to have virtual friends, why not have virtual fucks or virtual food...hold on you can't do that or you will die you mother-fucking sad, Spock-fucking, Dilbert look-a-like loser.

Despite hating geeks - and who can blame me - I have the following words of wisdom for them:

- Don't ever venture outside as fresh air can kill you
- Brown cords will never come back into fashion unless you want a career as a math's teacher
- Star Wars is not real!
- Wanking will not make you go blind but if you go at it like you do, your dick will drop off
- Second Life is as boring as your real lives so don't be proud of playing that fucked-up shit. I mean who wants to play a game that involves getting a fucking job. What's next? A game where you attend your own fucking funeral!
- MMORPGs are not big and they are not clever. In fact they are about as much fun as covering your balls in honey and then running naked into a bear sanctuary.
- Star Trek and all related spin-offs are without question the worse tv shows ever made. The acting is like a cow taking a shit on a dog turd and if I see one more man in a red top I will kill himself myself to save fucking time!
- Being able to build your own computer is not cool. In fact you might as well tell a girl you eat your own shit and wear nappies...she will be just as impressed!

To conclude I would like to close with the following: one day you might have no choice but to get a real life and live in the real world where people do real jobs and fuck real women, so to help prepare you for this shock I will finish by saying abandon all hope now you fucking loser! You will fucking perish in the real world! Boo yaaah!

Bollywood

There is something deeply disturbing about watching a bollywood film and even if you put aside the fact that the stories are shit, the acting is shit, the spontaneous dancing and singing is shit, you are still left with roughly 2 hours of smelly packies! Don't get me wrong I ain't racist - though let's be honest they do stink - but I can't think of anything worse than having to endure watching these dirty fuckers prance around like fairies, each of them with a look on their face that says 'I will work for food'.

Bollywood is quite simply a form of Asian charity and the only reason it exist is that most Indian's would fuck their own granny for a peanut. I mean why else would a fully-grown, heavily bearded, curry-eating sweat ball parade around in silky pants, singing a song about how he would love to ram a cucumber up his own arse - don't believe the subtitles, all bollywood films are about some sick fucking packie wanting to get his funk on with a phallic vegetable. Of course you may doubt me but only a dead man would question the preacher man. Anyway hire out any bollywood piece of shit tonight, take a shit load of drugs - required if you ever want to make it to the closing credits of one of these bud bud faggot making epics - and then tell me when you’re watching that there is not at least one full frontal shot of a phallic vegetable being caressed by the £1.99 lead.

Let's not beat around the bush - even most Indian's think bollywood films are shit! So why do they continue to be made by the shitload? I'll tell you why! Because if it wasn't for bollywood every shit stain of a mustachioed wannabe Gene Kelly packie would be flogging their dead-beat acts in the streets of London. Bollywood is like a home for the deluded janitors that never quite made Broadway and for that reason I say thank fuck for bollywood - though of course I will never watch the retarded, homoerotic shit! Boo yaaah!

Ugliness

You know what I hate even more than the little fuckers! Ugly fuckers! When I am out and about on a nice relaxing summer's day, enjoying maybe a picnic with my sweetheart, the last thing I want to see enter my field of view is something that looks like ET's 2 week old dumps. Not only does such a sight ruin my appetite, I am also left with a re-occurring mental image that is so repulsive that I am able to bang the shit out of my girlfriend once I escape to the privacy of my humble love pad.

This situation is completely out of order and quite frankly ugly people should either be forced to wear humorous masks, such as dopey from the seven dwarfs, or if they refuse, they have to confront their worst nightmare - a mirror! Of course putting them out of their misery at birth would be the kindest way of dealing with them but then we would admittedly lose a considerable amount of comedic material. Let's face it making fun of someone who has the appearance of inflated sick is priceless and we should all make the most of the opportunities we have to mock those afflicted with ugliness.

To finish this rant I would like to say if you are one of these ugly people and find yourself reading this blog, then let’s hope for everyone's sake you are doing it from the privacy of your own fucking home you ugly bog-eyed mother-fucker! Boo yaaah!

Short People

Short people really get on my tits - not literally of course because they are too small to reach. I hate having to dodge around the little midgets in case I trip over one of them or even better accidentally squash one of them with my metal-clad army boots. I mean honestly what use to society are the little people - they can't even work in supermarkets unless there happens to be a job for bottom shelf-only stackers. And before you say they can flex their mental powers behind the tills, I ask you who wants to be served by a ghostly hand...not me that's for sure.

There is only one use I can think of for short people and that is a game of human Jenga. Though even the fun of that is short-lived and eventually all you will want to do with them is sit them on a toadstool in your shit-filled garden! Yes pretty but utterly fucking useless.

Listen up you little fuckers one day your time will come and you will find me ramming a toothbrush into your heart - I believe that is all that is required to kill one of you pathetic halflings. Down to the little people (oh oh I made a fucking unintentional pun!) Boo yaaah!

Litter

For my first rant I would like to harp on about the dangers of chucking litter on the floor. It is a little known fact that anyone who throws litter on the floor with blatant disregard for nearby bins is not only a certified prick, but will become less fertile as a result of said action. Now you may ask how on earth such an action can result in a decrease in fertility and on paper I would agree this seems ridiculous. But when you feel my foot slamming into your sexual organs I think you will know why it is true and the only babies you will be making from then on are of the brown, soft variety.

I am not sure though if the act of dropping litter annoys me more or the complete fucking twats that do it – you know the type: a shit-for-brains lay-about who thinks he looks cool in a shell suit and smokes Rizla roll-ups! It is pricks like this that seem to actually find the act of dropping litte amusing. Well I wonder how funny they will find it when I am ramming their empty bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale into their fucking love hole!

It doesn’t, however, really matter whether you’re a retarded fucking scally or an average joe, dropping litter is always wrong and if you do it I will come over there and kick you so fucking hard between your legs that you will be swallowing your own sexual juices for about a week. Boo yaaah!